Right in Front of My Nose

The following is an automated transcript from episode 128, with relationship strategist Dimple Thakrar.

 

Tom: So, where to start with you Dimple? I’m not even sure, but when I first encountered you, it was in a room on Clubhouse and I’m not entirely sure what the topic was. It was a manhood related topic, and it was for me early on a Sunday morning, this room I’d never been in. And I had been sort of longing to talk about this part of my life on Clubhouse and find the right place to do it.

And I really just went there. You know, I got passionate about what I was talking about. It was something like, is it okay for men to cheat or something? And, uh, you know, kind of poured my heart out and then you jumped in and just, I guess, praised me. And, uh, and then you messaged me on Instagram, and I guess it just was timely.

And, and it was also timely because of this, because you’re not just any human being bless you. And here’s how I categorize you in my world. There aren’t very many of them. But, you know, you’re this person who is just beautiful in every imaginable way, your eyes radiate love. You’re just one of these people who you can tell she’s really done the work to the point where when we’ve done that we reached this, we crossed this threshold where we become just so generally attractive to people.

We draw people in with the love that radiates from us. And I don’t know if anyone experiences that way me that way, but if there’s a goal that I have in life it’s to get there, probably, you know, so, so it meant a lot to me to have you reach out to me and want to connect. And then we immediately started to talk about doing this.

And then now a couple of weeks have gone by, we just did a room together yesterday and I was on an emotional high from that for hours. And still just kinda can’t believe it.

Dimple: It was so good. Right. It was like a drug. It was so

TG: good. Yeah. Yeah. He was so, so why don’t you tell everybody who you are and what you do.

DT: Oh, thanks, Tom. Yeah, I, yeah. I remember as meeting the first time we met and yeah, blown away by your authenticity and blown away by the fact that you literally speak from the heart. And it’s very rare to find a man who he can do that so freely in the way you do. So, I, you know, I want to thank you because the room yesterday was your idea and it just was magic.

The combination of the chemistry of our energy together, the room title, we had men speak from their hearts and touch people in a way the I’d never experienced before. So, I want to acknowledge you for that. It was brilliant. So yeah, a little bit about me. So, my name is Dimple Sacra, and, um, I’ve been coaching now for about 25 years on various things, but the thread throughout all of my coaching has been relationships and it started off with relationships, with food and then went on to relationships with self and now intimate relationships and primarily working with them men.

And the reason I work primarily with men and then the partners and their children and anybody else that relates to them or with them is because. I realized that through most of my life, I’d had an absolute love, hate relationship with men. And I guess it stems from my dad and the abusive household that we grew up in, and then marrying the love of my life.

When I look back all my old childhood wounds that I hadn’t heard field presented in our marriage. And it’s only through healing that and having a huge awakening with an intervention with Tony Robbins, a two-hour intervention that I realized that not all men are out to get me and most of them are actually.

It’s the opposite. They’re put on this earth to protect. And the primary goal is not to attack, but to actually really protect, provide and love on us. And the very thing that I had searched for and desired, like was right in front of my nose. And I hadn’t realized for 20 years right in front of my nose.

And, and I had that breakthrough moment that I was like, like, do you ever have that? Where you, you you’re searching for something constantly searching, searching, searching. And then there’s two things that happen either. You’re fortunate enough that somebody literally stops you in your tracks and goes, wake up and you do right.

Or you lose them. And you realize when it’s too late, right. And the third day, the one that’s coming to mind is all you lose yourself in the service. Right.

Right. And I was very lucky that number one, my man, so in love and invested in our relationship that he was paired to go the whole way, whatever it takes a number two, but I was gifted that way and then have the whereabouts to actually follow my intuition and invest in a huge amount of investment that I didn’t have the funds for because my instinct said yes.

Right. And then to actually. Have the courage to wake up. So, I’ve gone from a man hater to somebody who absolutely is driven. My mission is to support men so that we can have incredible role models for our children. That’s selfishly it’s for our kids and it’s for the women in the world. If they can have incredible men that will be from and hold and safely, then I firmly believe the world will be a better place.

So that’s, that’s the reason, that’s my mission. That’s what I do. I support super successful executives, entrepreneurs who are successful in business, and I support them to become equally if not more successful in long lines. So that’s okay.

TG: Wow. That’s beautiful. It is. So that Tony Robbins, that was him.

Saying, wake up to you. That’s what happened. Yeah, yeah,

DT: yeah, yeah. And that was, um, yeah, I can speak to that. So, I w been married to the love of my life being with him now 31 years. And it was around about year 10 of our marriage things. Weren’t good. And it was a time when we’d had the children and, and he was basically serial entrepreneur was in the life cycle of the night where he was going out and basically figuring out who he was and what, how he was going to provide for these males to feed these masses.

We’ve just had our first daughter and, and I was pregnant with our second. And so. He was frantically trying to provide. I was the main breadwinner, and he was building his business and readjust the shit. If then the masculine and the feminine energy meant that we would be polarizing each other. He was remaining in his masculine, and I was remaining again.

I was rising in my masculine and so we fought like cats and dog, and it continued until he surrendered and dropped into his, an authentic, feminine, and I remained, remain authentic masculine. And we just, I did that. We loved each other, but it wasn’t enough. I’m on our 20th wedding anniversary. We planned a divorce for our 25th, like literally a divorce.

Yeah. Like, cause at this point he was sucks out. Like the tables attend. He was earning more than me. I’d gone into part-time work and developing my business on the side. And we just were exhausted. You know, the two of us were just sick of fighting. So, we’d got to that place of silence and pass the salt and functional sex.

And, you know, we were like, right, okay, well, this is a bit like a business strategy. We would, we were planning the exit, all the finances of everything, and the kids would be old enough and the usual story, right. Waiting until your kids get old enough to understand. And the truth is they don’t always understood that the energy and the vibe wasn’t right.

And, um, by some divine intervention, I got introduced Tony Robbins from a business coach because I’ve just literally left my security blankets of a job and gone full time into my business, my coaching business. And because I’d run both parallel for a long time. And this business coach said, you heard of this guy, Tony Robbins cause in England is not as popular as in the U S especially at that time.

And, um, I said, no, and I checked him out on YouTube, and I thought, oh, this is an interesting guy. And then, he, obviously divine timing was, was in London. So, I bought the book the best ticket in the house because my business, even then, although it was six months old was doing really well. And literally that evening, I signed up for something called platinum partners and platinum partners.

For those, you know, those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an elite group of people that travel the world with Tony for 12 months, going to every single one of his events, plus three extra events that he puts on. And. Like I had never traveled on my own at this point, Tom, like this was the first time I’d ever traveled on my own because I’d always had the children with me and my husband and like seriously, my sense of direction.

Like if we go to a restaurant and I go to the bathroom, if I’m not back in five minutes, he sends one of the girls in to come get me. Because if there’s too many doors in the restroom, which usually in a ladies restroom in the race, I get lost. I can’t actually get myself because I just the sense of direction.

Right. So, imagine right. I’ve gone to bloomed in, which is four hours away from where I live by myself. Don’t know anybody at this event. Um, I ended up signing this thing. I ring my husband at midnight and say, I’ve done something crazy, please. Don’t please. Don’t. Now he doesn’t show it. It’s just my perception at that time.

Right. It’s a knowing, looking back now, his tonality, I had associated with the tonality of my father growing up and that put the fear of God in me because it was dangerous, that tone. And so that whole tonality piece, right? So, he doesn’t show, but that was my perception. Anyway, I said to him, I’ve done something crazy, please don’t shout at me.

And he said to me, listen, I’ve been traveling the world. Can you just, just say it, just say it, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it. Just say it. And so, I vomited out I’ve joined something called platinum partners. And at that time is 75,000 us dollars. Vomited out. Right. And I just started like six months into my brand-new business.

Yes. It was doing really well really well, but could I afford that? Not really. And this is what this beautiful man said to me, despite knowing that we were separating that like, you know, he’s losing me. I actually had with hindsight thing, you know, he probably thought I was about to say I’ve had an affair.

Right. But actually, what he said to me was do you know, something back 20 odd years ago, you took a job so that I could follow my desire and my purpose and build a business. And he said, the way I see this now, this is just an investment in you and your business. And we we’ll find a way

and I just saw, wow, that’s unconditional love. And we did, we found a way. And the reason I wanted to be a platinum partner was because there was an event call relationship in Maui for platinum yeah. Patterns. And it was this event. That was the event that I have the heat just awakening of my life. And it was a, basically a two-hour event where Tony Robbins just completely told me to pieces.

He broke me down the people in the event that and partners, platinum partners for 15 years have said, they’ve never seen Tony such with such intensity. And two hours later with me on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness, because I actually took my husband there because he needed fixing. Right.

Cause he did tell him I’m the coach I’m perf I know it all right. He needed fixing.

TG: Yeah. Well, you know what that comment reminds me of is being in a position to help people for a long time myself, it hit me the other night, you know, I was reaching out to some people for support, and you know, there’s an area of my life where I’ve been struggling and, and it hit me, man. I really do not lie.

Being the guy who needs help. I’m used to being the one that has it together, calm and cool. And I’m, you know, I’m sharing my experience, but you know, I’m still speaking from an I’m the one who’s okay. Place. And it it can be really uncomfortable when that’s what you’re used to, to all of a sudden be the one who the tables are turned it’s, it’s, uh, like a next level of vulnerability type of thing.

That’s yeah.

DT: It’s so profound. What you’re saying, tell them, because you know, when the ego’s involved, it’s easier to be it’s more comfortable to be the teacher and the coach. But actually, when you flick the switch and this is what happened with me, like I coach men and I learn, so I’m always the teacher and the student always.

I, I come from that place of, like I said to you earlier, before we started this conversation, you know, I’m only one step ahead in this area. And sometimes I’m not even that one step ahead, sometimes I’m so open to learning from you. Like the room that you met me in, I was moderating, and I was the in inverted commas, the expert in the room and that whole room, I was making notes because I was learning from all the men.

I was learning about that language, that tonality the words they use. And I then spend an hour after that room, reflecting on what I learned. So always the teacher and the student at the same time. Um, and that way, when that, because the egos are just the way, because you get to grow, because I hear what you’re saying is so uncomfortable, it’s comfortable.

Right. And I welcome that uncomfortableness because like that intervention I remember was the second day and Tony had done a 10-hour day. He was sat at the back of the room and there was this a speaker on the screen.  and she’s an incredible relationship guru. And I commented on. To her, it was live. She was on Skype.

And you know, when you’re in a room and you realize that you’ve set the wrong thing, right. Suddenly all the energy in the room just drops. Like the vibe just gets really heavy. And I sat down, and I remember Tony’s, I felt his energy at the back of the room. He was in the, you know, the, they have like a little pets where they have all the audio sounds.

And the, he was sat there with, with Sage watching from the screen. And I remember feeling his energy. He got up and he I’m at the front desk. Um, room 500 people in the room. My husband sat elsewhere because we’ve had a fight because he’s wrong and I’m right. And so, all day we’ve had a fight. Wouldn’t let him sit anywhere near me.

This is the first time he’s ever been to a Tony Robbins event. Didn’t know anybody. I was the bitch from hell, and they didn’t sit with people. He didn’t know. I sat at the front full of significance with my platinum partner friends. Um, Tony’s coming down the aisle and it’s literally like fee, fi, fo, fum, right.

This giant is coming towards me. And as he’s coming down the aisle, he bellows, where is Dimples? Right. My heart is pounding all that has on the back of my neck stand up and I stand up. It’s like slow Mo almost. I stand up really slowly. And as he comes towards me, all I feel is this six-foot seven giants with a horse head towering over my five-foot, two frame.

Um, he leaves Kelly lays into me. He is matching my energy. That’s basically what he’s doing. And I have to say in this whole time, there was not one moment where I felt scared. I felt completely held by his integrity. So, you know, I, I felt the pureness of what he was doing and basically that he was showing me.

In a physical manifestation of how powerful and strong I was wearing that masculine mask. Right. He wouldn’t, he, he was, he had the power in his mature manner to rise to my masculine. Right. So, he was basically, and honestly, I didn’t cry the women in the room. Like how did you not cry? He’s screaming at you because I was so used to protecting myself with that masculine mask.

So used to it and, and here was another drop the mate kind of moment as he started to shout at me and really be intense with me. I hadn’t noticed that from out of nowhere, my beautiful man was coming down a different aisle with his chest. I kept making himself look as big as he possibly can with such a fierce look on his face.

And he was coming straight down that aisle. I like it took the Tony Robbins to stop what he was doing with me, turn around. He walked, he noticed that all coming down and he said, is this the brother you’re talking about? Not forgiving because my comment was all about not forgiving. Right? Cause it was one point for me.

See, even the expert says, I don’t have to forgive. Right. My comment was about that. And he said, is this the guy you’re talking about? Not forgiving. He said, I’ve seen more courage in him than you’ve ever displayed in your lifetime. And he said, he’s coming down this aisle to protect you against me. Cause basically I told was coming down to take Tony down and he says, nobody speaks to my woman like that.

Now, buddy. And he put his arm around Tony, put his arm around the total and he said, I effing love you, brother. I effing love you for the courage and the strength. Thank you for being that kind of map. Right. And then the drop the mic moment, Tom. It makes me cry even now is that I didn’t know this. And if I didn’t know to some not day.

The very thing that I desire was to feel safe and protected by him. What if he’s always been doing it? And I hadn’t noticed, right. He’s always been doing good and I haven’t no test. And that made me realize, what are we always blind to in our relationships? What are we choosing not to see? And yet it’s right there in front of us.

And so, the intervention went home for another two hours. At one point, Tony asked me to get down on my hands and knees and from to 500 people, I’m begging for forgiveness because I, you know, I date masculine. Not knowing, but a hat and he had allowed it to happen

TG: because he loved you.

DT: Yeah, because he locked me because he thought, because he hadn’t done the work yet, but that was what would make me happy because the other pieces I hadn’t realized.

And when I heard this in this room, there were so many other women that was shocked with this. And there were so many men that were shocked that the women didn’t know this. Tony asked, what do you think is the primary driver for men in their relationship? And I was like, well, it says, all it cares about is sex.

That’s all he wants. And actually, Tony said, it’s actually to make you happy. He feels successful when you’re happy. It’s not his responsibility to make you happy. There’s a clear distinction there. But when he sees you happy, he feels successful. And that for me was

right. Like what the F are you talking about? So that was the, that was the moment that, that, that was my awakening. That was the flick, the switch. That was the, all this time. Everything he’s doing is not to try and get into my knickers, but is because he wants me to be happy. And of course, sex is a huge part of our relationship, and it should be, but it, the primary driver is for him to make me happy.

Like seriously, if we were as women to invest as much effort and energy and time as you guys do. Making you have pay, like we physically couldn’t do it.

And that’s the T the capacity, the energy, the focus, the drive that you guys display blows my freaking mind every day.

That was the moment when I realized it, because the other piece is when I got down on my hands and knees and he was above me, he held my hand and he said, I can’t stand above you. And he got down on his hands and knees, I may look to me eye to eye. And he said, I’m not above you or beneath you. He says, where did he call?

And when we work, as Wong were incredible. And he actually said to me, my beautiful man said to me, I am so sorry that I’ve allowed this to happen. That I’ve got you to this place that you felt so unsafe and so unprotected. And he said, that’s my fault as well. And he said, I’ll never ever let that happen to you again.

Right? Huge. When you take accountability, when you take self-responsibility for your own actions and therefore they impact on the feedback you get from your partner.

TG: I just, you know, as I’m listening to you, I keep thinking, man, what a great story. And then it gets better and better, better, and better and better. And. Part of what I take away from this is that’s the kind of man I want in my life,

the, the humility to, uh, accept responsibility. But this, this kind of speaks to something I’ve thought about a number of times throughout this conversation already. When, when we really are real, when we talk about the things that we’re most ashamed of and we fear most, and we tell ourselves that the people we tell these things will reject us or shun us or whatever, what actually happens is that.

In my experience, we’re almost invariably met with love because that honesty, when I’m honest with you about what hurts me or what I’m struggling with, you feel that you feel it and it, it humanizes me to you. Right. And that, that exchanging emotion that way. That’s what intimacy is. And just to, um, have you experienced that on full display?

So, he robbed seminar. Wow. For first of all, for him to walk up there. Yeah. Well, the way he did, yeah. And then that moment of, of, uh, of getting down to your level or just it’s, he’s obviously an amazing man. And, you know, I shouldn’t be surprised based on how I described you at the top of this. I mean, it only makes sense.

Yeah,

DT: no receives that fully. And he is. And you know, when you say that, um, the sadness that occurs in my heart is that I didn’t fully embrace it for the nearly two decades. And I’m very grateful that there’s never going to be another two decades when I miss it. Right. We just, we literally last year we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

We celebrated it as opposed to getting divorced. Right. Um, And the movie continues, and the journey continues. And, you know, I loved what you said about, you know, the fear of speaking are true. So, what others might say and judge, and actually the truth is that often it connects us as humans. You’ve been more right through love because for a long time, I didn’t speak the story because I was scared that women would judge me on, you know, surrendering and getting on my hands and knees and asking for forgiveness in front of a man.

And, um, you know, letting the side down of the women. Right. And the truth is the number of women that have gone. Oh my God, I’ve been doing this thinking that this is what I need to do to protect myself. Cause it was interesting. The moment that mask of mine, the masculine mask, and I’m talking a energetic metaphoric mask was lifted.

Something interesting happened because for 15 years I’d had severe neck pain and I’ve had all sorts of chiropractor, um, physio, acupuncture, everything, and it wouldn’t go. And the moment that I released an objectively that heavy I am mask that I had put on to what I thought was to protect me from the outside of being unsafe.

The truth is that what I’d done was I built a wall up to stop me from receiving not only his love, but my own love. So, the moment that lifted, there was something interesting that really happened. My neck pain went completely went, so our energetic, emotional, um, being manifest in our physical bodies. And the other piece that happened was my heart opened wide open and in readiness to receive, because what I hadn’t appreciated is the feminine is all about receiving.

It’s not about giving things like, and the masculine is about giving. Think about the, like the physical anatomy of a man and a woman, right? When we have intercourse, he goes into the woman she receives from him. Right. She replenishes her energy through that.

Right. And the whole time along and I’m married. Beautiful man. All he wanted to do was give, and because I put a wall, all I was, I’m sick of giving. I’m sick of making all the decisions. I’m tired of doing everything. The words here, the words doing giving these are all masculine traits.

The fare women have is surrendering.

And that’s the very thing that when we do surrender through choice, not because we’re made to that’s the power right there.

TG: Well, and this brings to mind. Boy you’re describing the receiving and the, the relation to the anatomical functions. It just reminds me this masculine energy, feminine energy. It’s all very primal and it’s not, we, we have not, um, evolved beyond that.

It’s probably more important than ever. And you know, I’ve talked about how the change that I’ve experienced in this part of my life is, uh, it happened through the process of the divorce. It began there. And one of the things this reminds me of, I wish I could give a visual of this, but I’m going to try to describe.

So, it, we got to a point where, well, you know, we’ve been talking about this for so long. I made a decision, you know, after finding some support, um, this is like August. I went to her and said, listen, we need to take the rest of the year and devote everything we have into saving this marriage. And we need to start by getting a new therapist because she’s a therapist.

I work in the helping profession as a counselor, we know all these people. And so, I said, you know, I don’t care who it is as long as neither of us know him or her. So, you decide, and whoever you want, I’ll go there. And she found a guy and we had been to several people. Over the course of the number of years, but this guy got through to me about the masculinity stuff.

And what he began to do is watch the interactions between us. And he would hear me when I would respond to her, and he would take his index finger and look at me. And when I was in the feminine, you know, his erect index finger would curl down. And when I was in the masculine, it would stand up straight.

And, in guys, I’m very visual that way, you know, but I could see it and feel it, then what’s happening when I’m, when I’m, well, I guess we can do this or whatever, finger curls down. And when it was, I’m going to take care of this, I’m going to do you know, the finger stands straight up and, oh, and again, the.

It’s, it’s a really great analogy of what kind of energy we need to bring as men to a relationship and with the way we are in culture now and feminism. And I think there’s a, a misguided belief that that is no longer operative, that sort of dynamic, but it is, it is. And what I’ve learned is that

I think there’s nothing a woman hates more than a weak man. Oh my God, it’s true. They don’t know it. And, and, and women, even the strongest of women are starved for the man to stand up and be strong and be himself. And it’s not.

It’s like I’ve learned in some romantic situations where it’s almost like when a woman has been, I wouldn’t say mistreated me, but a little careless with, with me about returning calls or whatever. It’s almost like she’s throwing out some bait there for me to say, you know what? This is bullshit. I’m not putting up with this.

And if I don’t or in the past, I would never have done something like that. And I wouldn’t have her respect. And what I’ve learned is that that’s, I’m giving her the message that I can’t protect her that’s right. But if I say, listen,

Yeah, we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to get up. It’s okay. But if we’re going to do this, then, you know, I expect you to return my phone calls. This is my standard. Right, right. And if you don’t have that, then why would she want you?

DT: Yeah. It’s honestly tell you it’s so like particularly powerful women desire that even more.

Right. Let me say that again. So that is for the guys, particularly powerful women. Desire that even more and the protection and the providing, particularly providing often in this decade, it’s men have misunderstood that as providing financially, um, with women being able to provide financially for themselves and sometimes even more, um, lucratively than men can.

And that in this, in, in certain scenarios, what men have missed, and this is the, the piece that had missed the value of providing emotional, um, protection is far more lucrative for a woman. Um, more impactful for a woman than providing financial protection. Hmm. That makes sense.

TG: Absolutely. It makes, yeah, it does.

Yeah.

DT: When I say it makes sense, did that, did I explain it? I know. Yeah. Yeah. It’s providing, isn’t just about providing money. So, a lot of men get feel, um, a lack of confidence, a lack of self-worth. If they’re women provide more income in terms of money than they do. Right. And the truth is that kind of woman is not necessarily interested in your money.

She’s interested in whether when push comes to shove and Tony Robbins is attacking an inverted commas, attacking his woman. Is he going to come and save her from the saber tooth tiger? Right. Yeah. And often the attack that’s occurring in a woman. The saber tooth tiger is not anybody else, but the fight within her.

TG: Right.

DT: It’s, it’s the fight within a cause often in the past miles like points wrong. Nobody’s upset you what, what what’s going on? Like what, what just happened? You were happy a minute ago to stop. And, and now I’m able to say to him, babe, it’s the demons in my head. It’s the demons in my stories from the past that it’s triggered that tone that you just used with me, it is.

I know it’s not your intention to trigger this. It’s all I take full responsibility, but it’s triggered when my, when my dad was beating my mom and as a small child, that’s not safe. Right. And once I was able to articulate that he was able to say to me, oh my God, did you, you think that this tone men was about to attack you?

He said, this tone that I use is passionate. I’m passionate about what I’m saying. And just having that open conversation shifted it huge because I was unable to reframe it. So, when he used that I was able to go, oh, is passionate about this knot is about to attack me because I was able to heal that in an instant.

And he was also able to be aware that if I’m reacting, because I didn’t catch it, he knew to protect me. He knew to just hold me. He knew to be that safe container for the crazy lady in that moment. Right. Cause the fight was within me. The dragon that he needed to slay was in within me.

TG: Wow man Dimple. So, I want to respond to, but the first thing I want to go back to, you mentioned that.

He the most powerful women want this most from us, from men to show up in our strength. And you know, you’ve heard me use this expression that I’ve kind of come up with about how we as men emasculate ourselves. And the thing about that, about that powerful woman needing you to show up in your strength, a man can’t do that unless he’s got his shit together.

Yes,

DT: that’s right.

TG: And so that if you don’t, then it brings up the insecurity in you, man, and you shrink from it and go to someone who, you know, will accept you the way you are. Yeah. And then doing so if I do that, I’m selling myself. I’m accepting less than I want. I’m not believing in myself that I have the ability.

I mean, I’m essentially the internal experience that I have if that’s what I’m doing is on the coward. And, uh, and you know, we have to respect ourselves first in these situations. If we can’t do that, then how can we expect a partner to respect us? So, then another thing I want to go back to, you talked about you forgiving in that scenario with Tony Robbins, you forgiving.

And one of the sort of lessons spiritually that I’ve learned over the last couple of years is when it comes to my anger or my need to forgive. The stuff that I have when I think when I think I’m angry at you, what’s really going on is I’m angry with me. And when I think I need to forgive you, what I really need to do is forgive myself.

So when, what moment, when you know, you are forgiving in that Tony Robins scenario, at what moment? Where did you forgiving yourself? Come in.

DT: Yeah. Great question. Um, and it’s so interesting, cause I didn’t have the awareness and the understanding of the power of forgiveness at that point. Right. And this interesting you picked up on it.

This was the piece that, um, I was featured on Tony Robbins, his podcast. It was all about forgiveness. Um, When I was being asked to ask our tool for forgiveness, it wasn’t. At that point, at that point, it was focused. I was focused on forgiving on asking for forgiveness of him. And then after we’d done that, Tony actually did a piece on for me on forgiving myself.

Right. And it was in that moment that I released and it was, and actually that’s when the work started on the forgiveness, it’s been a journey. I literally every day have a practice of letting go and forgiveness and acceptance every day, every day. Because something that you touched on, which is really profound respect, how can you expect somebody else to respect to, if you don’t.

Respect yourself. And this is something that I really believe that you can’t expect anybody else. Well, to be the source of anything for you, it can’t be the source of love. They can’t be the source of respect. Cause if you, at the moment you go outside of yourself for any of those, um, validation, you set yourself up to fail because it’s never going to be how you desire it or need it.

This is a huge piece for men, right? Respect, honor, humility. Right. And something actually, that was an interview with Tony. Uh, with coach Guthrie is, uh, a rugby champion. And now a coach. Um, I asked him a question, actually, it was in club person. They asked him what were the three values that he. Um, speak to his former self, right.

To younger self. And, and, and what are those values that he would culture, the men, younger men. And these were the three values, humility honor, and respect, but you can’t have any of those from an expect them from others, unless you honor them in yourself. Right. The same would love the same with forgiveness.

Um, I actually wrote a whole article on this. So check that out because it was so profound. Some of the things that I love listening to men, you get so many gems because the one difference between the communication between men and women, is that men speak literally.

TG: Yes, yes, yes.

DT: You use a quarter of the words that we do to get the same message across.

And it’s a double edge sword because, because you speak literally you expect us to be literal

and you take what we say is literal. Well,

TG: this came up in the room yesterday, about how, uh, you know, you told your husband, he didn’t want him to bring you flowers anymore. When that’s indirectly, you were letting him know how much you appreciate. Yeah. Just expected him to pick up on that. And, uh, and you know, this is, this is actually one of the beautiful differences between men and women.

If we can just recognize it and embrace it. But what often happens is that instead we become cynical and, uh, women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

DT: It fascinates me and women do the same. Well, gosh, it makes me cringe because I used to actually say it. I used to say I’ve got three children.

TG: Did, did you say that in his presence? Did he say that? Yes.

DT: Yes. And this is now why I do this work because I frigging lived the mistakes. I’ve witnessed the pain. And thankfully, he’s a very strong man and he’s done the work as a result. Right. But there’s always healing to be done always. And, and you know, the piece on giving and taking and giving and receiving, should I say giving and receiving, right.

It doesn’t mean to say that women should always receive, and men should always give it’s a beautiful dance between the two, right? This morning, I needed a cuddle and I asked, I didn’t assume that he would know, because that in the past has been the issue. Women think men are mind readers because women are,

so, I ask now I need a cuddle and I need it like this. And he’s like, okay. And he gives me a cuddle and I, yeah. And I received it fully. I didn’t complain that it wasn’t quite right. Already. I

TG: just, so kind of women, you know, in that, in that situation would be angry because they had to ask. Yes. And I was like, you’re supposed to read my mind.

Your this’ll never work because you don’t know. You should know. Which is ridiculous.

DT: Yeah. The number of times, Tom, that I’ve said, we have been together decades and you don’t know me at all, what is wrong with you? I know you; I know exactly what you need.

TG: Right. You’re not telling me

DT: you don’t love me because you don’t know how to cuddle me and when I need it.

TG: Yeah. Well, that goes back to just the internal struggle that that’s, that’s just a story we’re making up their minds.

DT: It’s a total story, but it’s real guys, men, this is real. It really does happen for us women. It really happens. And just listening to this open conversation, I’m hoping that you can, as a couple, start to articulate your internal dialogue to each other, because just that conversation will open it up for you will heal.

Right? So now me asking him, I need a cuddle and he gave me that I received it fully. I was full. And then what happened? He lay on my, yes. Right? I didn’t need him to ask me for that. Cause I could tell what he needed. I needed to give to him, and he needed to receive and feel safe. Right. And that’s the beauty of the given the, the receiving giving and receiving it’s like an infinitive sign.

Yeah.

TG: Yeah. So, I want to go back. You talked about how in our relationships, these old wounds surface and isn’t that always the case. And for me, you know, I have a 15-year-old son, so I mean, ultimate teacher,

every single button that exists within the, I mean, he was built to push and so many people are reactive to that. Just the way you’re talking about being reactive in a, in a marriage when the same thing happens, you know, I mean, we’re there to heal each other. That’s what love is

DT: it heals?

TG: But talk about that.

She talked a little bit about your dad and talk about how that those issues began coming for you and your marriage. And, and at what point did you begin to see that this is me healing something from long ago.

DT: Yeah. Great, great, great question. And, you know, I wanted to just add, tell him that when you said that, you know, your, your son knows exactly, you know, how to push him, what’s pushed.

And I, what came to mind when you said that. How blessed are you, how blessed? And some people will say, what are you talking about now? How blessed are you? Because that gives you every single opportunity to grow and expand at the deepest level. When it’s your own child, you will do what it takes. Right?

Right. To expand because we have two girls in the, um, we have a 16-year-old, she’s our youngest. And oh my gosh, this child I firmly believe is my teacher. She was sent to teach me; I am her pupil. Right. Because she like blows our minds with some of the things that she says. And the, like she came home one day from school, at age 15 and said, right, I’m done with school and presented it.

With the options of how she was going to be schooled the costs and how she was going to pay for the private tutor, all the online school. And really all she was asking girls was consulting with us like a business proposition, right. Consulting with us on what would be the best option, not how we’re going to fund it.

He was funding it herself with her own business. Right? So, this, this just goes to show that our children are our greatest teachers. So, sorry. I sidetracked. So, what was the question again, Tom, please just refresh my memory.

TG: Firstly, I’m going to comment on what you just said. So, for me, one of the key things is what would come up for me pretty constantly until I picked up on it.

He would ask to go somewhere, or he would ask for something. And in my mind, I’d say, well, you need to answer it this way because your mom or dad would have answered it that way. Don’t want to be like, and not even, not even conscious, it just happened. And in, you know, working with a therapist in describing this one day, she said to me, you know, not being them, isn’t the same thing as you being you.

And that was wow. So many of us as parents do that. Um, but my question was at what point in, in this growth, as it pertains to your marriage, did you make the connection between your childhood wounds with your father and healing them with your husband?

DT: Great question. It was the moment I forgave my father.

It was the moment I energetically I did a lot. So, I’m also a theater healer. So, I do a lot of spiritual energetic work. And I actually did the internal work on energetically, releasing my father and forgiving him and forgiving myself for the blame that I’d put on myself for not protecting my mother.

And in that moment, when that veil lifted, I had so much clarity on the man that I’d married. And it just so happens that this particular man, my beautiful man that I married has been there all my life. And he has been there when he’s physically protected. My mum. Right. So not only do I have evidence in my own life where he’s always protected, but I have evidence of where he’s protected.

My mom, quite literally.

TG: Hmm.

DT: Right. So it was, it was literally the moment that I released. And so, we talked about forgiveness. This is the power of forgiveness. It didn’t, it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten what that did. And also, I realized that he was a product of his upbringing. Okay.

That was just the way it was in the Indian culture. And his mom was a very strong woman who he didn’t have the insight or the maturity to stand up for himself. Let alone mine. Yeah.

My grandma was a powerhouse, but not in a healthy way. And she, she influenced and actually my mom, because when I look back now, my mom was a paranoid schizophrenia, so she was diagnosed. But the truth is, I believe she was so spiritually connected that she lived on different planes to keep herself safe.

TG: Man, I love talking to you.

DT: I looked all I can do here as well. There’s so much you bring out. So, um, I’m responsive. So, if I’m activated by somebody incredible like yourself, then like stuff just comes out. Right.

TG: Well, you know, this is a part of myself that, you know, I can be so, um, unaware of, and part of it is that I never want to be presumptuous.

About myself,

DT: but

TG: you know, I’m, I’m the guy. I haven’t had a drink in almost 25 years. That’s where my healing journey began when I stopped drinking at 23. And now, you know, where there I was the guy at the party who was passing out on your couch or, you know, falling all over, whatever. Now I’m the guy who is often the coroner with whoever in the room is in the midst of an existential crisis.

They just find me and they’re talking to me about their wounds. You know, it just happens. It just happens. And, uh, and as it pertains to this podcast, you know, in this position for years where I’ve been working with families and people around addiction and, you know, intervening and doing something about it and, and being the person, they come to for help.

And, you know, I, I have this, I think I started to notice it maybe 15 years ago, people used to say to me, you know, you’re really calm. You just have this calming presence. And, uh, yeah. I just, people talk to me, people tell me stuff, they feel safe talking to me about what’s going on with them. And I guess, no, they won’t be judged.

And, and then when I start doing this podcast, I mean, it’s just, it feels exactly the way it feels when I’m sitting down with someone who’s struggling and comes to me. It just feels the same way and it’s, uh, you know, it, it, we need all of it, you know, we need all these life experiences. And when you talked about how you went through that 20 years, that you would, you know, never want to go through again, but I bet you also realized that you needed to experience that, to be able to experience what you’re in now, as fully as you are.

DT: Yeah, 100 and a trillion percent. I would never turn back the clock because I believe that my soul resides in this body and chose those parents and chose this life to learn these lessons and then to pass them on. I like my human design is very much that, and it’s very much around, you know, if you don’t know what human design is, please Google it.

It’s incredible. Um, but my human design is very much, I have to have gone through it in order to teach it. So, my first book is called your food freedom and that, so, uh, all about a beautiful relationship with food. And the reason I did that was because I was anorexic as a child, and I nearly lost my life to anorexia.

Like there was a point where if I had a choice, I either go down the road of self-destruct and press that button. I was half the body weight that I am now. I was all I’d stunted my growth. My organs were shutting everything and, or I go down the path of finding the truth about nutrition. And I chose that because there was a voice inside of me.

I remember the days distinctively; I was 13 years old. I was at the doctor’s surgery. I remember the day and he said, you have to eat them. And I remember there was a voice inside of me that said, now is not your time to go. You have more to do. Right. So, I healed myself through that help to the people with it developed a model, wrote the book.

The next thing I did was about spiritual awakening. That’s my second book. This third book I’m writing is all about how men can get the roadmap to their purpose. Right. Except lived through it with a man.

TG: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and you’re walking other men through it.

DT: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So. You, you know, tell me you were so good at extracting the key elements of somebody’s soul.

So good at hearing the unspoken word. It’s just magnificent your scale on that is just incredible. You fine tune that. I can sense that it’s, it’s something that you’ve literally like a beautiful piano. You fine-tuned it. Right. Can you pick up those notes? Beautiful. Thank you.

TG: Well, thank you for saying that and if I have fine-tuned it, I did it unknowingly.

I must have I suppose, but, um, yeah,

DT: all the nuances and that’s why I’m feeding it back to you, you know, just like I write right. And raise your awareness of it that you, you do, you, uh, and to raise your consciousness of it, that you, actually you’re really good at picking up the, the unspoken word. Really good at it.

TG: Yeah. Thank you. You’re welcome. So, one of the things I want to touch on here is, you know, from the beginning, I talked to you about how, you know, just witnessing the love that you radiate. And

I’m trying to think of where exactly it came up, where I wanted to bring this into the conversation, but one of the realizations that I have come to over the last few years, and, um, I’m just interested in what you have to say about that.

The love he we’re talking about, if, whenever we’re we go outward for something we need that, you know, we already have it. I think about, you know, one person comes to mind in particular how much I loved her, and you know, the power of that, you know, um, that kind of love it. It gives us energy and per I mean, it’s, it’s such a force, but to come to the conclusion, finally, that that person didn’t give that to me.

It was already, there was already sick. We already have it. Yeah. We already have it. And, and the people that we love, it’s just like it it’s, it’s where we want to channel it. But that’s not the only place to channel it. And it’s not, probably not even the most important place to channel it is to ourselves.

And then if we do that, then we have Dimple who you look in her eyes, and it’s just a beacon drawing people in with our love, you know, that’s, that’s, uh, it just expands, right.

DT: Oh, thank you, Tom. I honestly, we, saving that and this is something else that I’ve learned to receive to actually say, thank you, I’m receiving that fully because you know, when somebody gives you a gift and you say, oh no, no, no, don’t sit there.

It’s not me. It’s just, you know, everybody’s like that. Right? Like what does it feel like when somebody gives you a gift and they knock it back?

TG: Well, in this reminds me of, I don’t know if you’ve read any Thomas Murray. Well, he was, uh, a Trappist monk, you know, a Catholic priest who studied in the east a lot.

So, he kind of weaved together, a lot of Eastern thought with Catholicism and Christianity. And he wrote a book called no, man is an island. And in the very beginning of it, one of the things he talks about is how love has it when it’s received and accepted it grows, but we say, oh no, you know, can’t receive a compliment lab.

No, I don’t. I just did the error instead of saying, thank you. And I fully receive it when you do that, it gets bigger. It gets bigger. But when you push it away, it, you know, and it’s. Something I’ve experienced a lot and familial relationships where man, all I wanted to do was love my older brother and he just blocked it and blocked it and blocked it.

And it hurts so much. And it wasn’t even that he wasn’t giving love back that her what her is that he wouldn’t accept the love that I was giving him.

DT: Yeah. Cause he didn’t know how he probably didn’t even realize he was doing that. He just, you know, men, this is a big thing for men accepting compliments, you know, fully accepting them.

And without, you know, often the, like the, they won’t even acknowledge them, nevermind the brush past them.

TG: Right. And then they didn’t even

DT: happen. Yeah. Pretend that didn’t even happen. And yeah, I loved what you said about receiving love because I firmly believe in the, and I use this analogy a lot, but. You know, also we give love from a place of depletion.

So, we’re giving it from our reserves. You know, if you think about like, uh, a fuel tank, like if, if it’s on half and you’re giving fuel out from there, then that vehicle is going to get depleted eventually. Whereas if you filled your love time, co-ops soulful from the abundance of love. That’s in the universe.

That is just there. If you believe that love is all around us, and it’s just there waiting for you to absorb it and receive it, just waiting right. That when you fill your love tank up so full, and then you give from the overflow of that tank, you don’t feel resentment. You feel. Energized. Right. Right.

Cause it’s the surplus. And in doing that, the only way you can get surplus love and fill your tank up is to receive it. You have to receive it in order to give it as simple as that. And when I it’s interesting, you, you know, you talk about the love in my eyes. This was the piece when I learned this, when I learned that I had to receive first, cause my desire to give was so big that I ended up feeling depleted resentful and, and my physical body, right.

When I

TG: lean in the neck,

DT: that pain in literally the payment, the moment I learned to receive, and this was something Tony mentioned in the intervention. The only reason I’m spending two hours with you this amount of time with us. He said, because Bo you’re beautiful, man. And I can see the love in your heart that you come here.

TG: Wow. To have Tony Robbins say that to you. Well, it just speaks to me what a powerful force that you are to have someone of his stature, um, and ability to look at you and say that it had to be so validating for you and empowering for you to hear that from him. Right?

DT: Huge. I mean, to the point where all this detail, I mean, this intervention, I think was now three, four years ago.

And I remember it like it was yesterday, like huge when he said that it gave me permission to look at me. It gave me permission to actually go, huh? Does he actually see that? Like, I felt it for a long time, but I was too scared. What if people judge me? What if people really see the truth? What if people think particularly strong executives?

What if they think that I’m a bit of a worse because I lead with love.

TG: Right.

DT: And the truth of the matter is every single human being on this planet wants love

TG: desires. There’s not a more powerful force. Yes. It’s definitely. This is, this comes up for me when, in relation to kindness, when in America, you know, there’s this assumption that if we do good, if we help the poor or you know, that, you know, we’re well, you know, they should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

And well, what about kindness? Right? What about that? When, you know, if, if to be kind, it, it, it actually like he was kind to you and that moment reflecting your love back to you. Um, it empowered you and that’s what it does. And it it’s, it’s that love it’s, it’s giving love. Um, which for me, I just reached a conclusion a few years ago that.

No. I live in a place where I live in south Florida. I grew up in the Midwest and I don’t know how much time you spent in the states, but the Midwest, I mean, people are friendly and reliable and, um, it’s just a different vibe and where I live now, there are a lot of people who come from other places and there’s not as much of a feel of community.

And you go through life. There’s not a lot of eye contact. There’s not a lot of hello, how are you. I mean, I live in a high rise where, you know, the first couple of years I was here, I mean, people, you know, never say hello, just end up in the same people practically with the elevator every day and, and just hit me, you know, I don’t want to live like.

I’m not going to do that. Um, so I don’t give a shit whether they say hello or not, I’m saying hello. And if I have an opportunity to help someone I’m going to do it. And, and then that just the whole life experience shift that takes place. When you decide that it’s just a whole world of difference. Oh,

DT: yeah.

And it all stems from deciding that this is your standard. You don’t have to have the same standard as everybody else. I remember doing an experiment actually in London on the tube. And I said, I said, I woke up that day and I’m not from London. And I’m like from the north of England, Manchester, where we all say hello, and it’s very friendly.

You go to London and like, nobody makes eye contact because they’re too scared of what they might think if I’m a weirdo or whatever. Right. And I, I decided that day and both my sisters are from London, and they couldn’t believe I did this because they’re like only you would do this tempo. I decided that day, this was before the masks that I was going to spend the day smiling, get as many people as I could possibly smile too.

Right. What a difference that whole day, there was so much kindness. As a result of that, people were helping me with my bags. They were complimenting me saying, you’ve made my day with that smile. Thank you. I had eye contact and unlike people space literally litter, right. And the gift of a smile.

TG: Well, and it begins with the intention of, you know, coming from a place of love rather than fear.

That’s what it is. Right. I mean, man, I could just go on and on like this with you forever. You’re like, you know, I’ll

DT: have to do it again. I would love

TG: that. So yeah. I mean, you’re definitely part of my, my, uh, you’re my people and I’m so glad that we crossed paths and I’m excited about. What we’re going to do together in these rooms.

It’s just so invigorating and exciting to even think about. Um, so looking back, I mean, I know we’ve covered a lot, that there’s so much more, I want to know about you, to be honest. Um, and I just appreciate you welcoming me into your world like this and sharing this with me, taking part in this, but looking back over your life, if there was a time when the younger Dimple most needed a word of encouragement or advice or support, when would that have been and what would you go back and say to her?

DT: Gosh, it would have been when I was 13. It’s a great question. I know exactly when I was 13, it would have been. Trust her. She knows and trust that it’s okay to love her. That’s what I would have said to her. I would have said just trust yourself. It’s okay. You know, trust your instincts and it’s safe to love yourself.

That’s what I would have said to her. And it would have changed everything and also I’m okay. That it, I didn’t have that opportunity too, because I’m the woman I am today, and I have the scars and the wounds and the healing because of it. So, yeah. But trust and love are the two words

TG: I love that this has been great.

I really appreciate you taking the time to do this with me. And, uh, and I just look forward to being in your world.

DT: Well, thank you, Tom. And I am so grateful to have this opportunity to recall this podcast with you today. And I’m excited for the future and how this, you know, if this just touches one person’s life and it, and it says one relationship, then our work here is done, you know?

TG: Yeah. Yeah. That’s all that really matters. And that’s a, that’s a principle that I’ve lived by for, well, in, in these moments, I think when I’m putting myself out there, even if it’s sharing in a room or that’s the conviction I have, it’s not about me. If I can, if something I say helps one person, that’s all.

That’s why we’re here. Right? Well, thank you Dimple.

DT: Thanks Tom.

Dimple Thakrar

Tom: So, where to start with you Dimple? I’m not even sure, but when I first encountered you, it was in a room on Clubhouse and I’m not entirely sure what the topic was. It was a manhood related topic, and it was for me early on a Sunday morning, this room I’d never been in. And I had been sort of longing to talk about this part of my life on Clubhouse and find the right place to do it.

And I really just went there. You know, I got passionate about what I was talking about. It was something like, is it okay for men to cheat or something? And, uh, you know, kind of poured my heart out and then you jumped in and just, I guess, praised me. And, uh, and then you messaged me on Instagram, and I guess it just was timely.

And, and it was also timely because of this, because you’re not just any human being bless you. And here’s how I categorize you in my world. There aren’t very many of them. But, you know, you’re this person who is just beautiful in every imaginable way, your eyes radiate love. You’re just one of these people who you can tell she’s really done the work to the point where when we’ve done that we reached this, we crossed this threshold where we become just so generally attractive to people.

We draw people in with the love that radiates from us. And I don’t know if anyone experiences that way me that way, but if there’s a goal that I have in life it’s to get there, probably, you know, so, so it meant a lot to me to have you reach out to me and want to connect. And then we immediately started to talk about doing this.

And then now a couple of weeks have gone by, we just did a room together yesterday and I was on an emotional high from that for hours. And still just kinda can’t believe it.

Dimple: It was so good. Right. It was like a drug. It was so

TG: good. Yeah. Yeah. He was so, so why don’t you tell everybody who you are and what you do.

DT: Oh, thanks, Tom. Yeah, I, yeah. I remember as meeting the first time we met and yeah, blown away by your authenticity and blown away by the fact that you literally speak from the heart. And it’s very rare to find a man who he can do that so freely in the way you do. So, I, you know, I want to thank you because the room yesterday was your idea and it just was magic.

The combination of the chemistry of our energy together, the room title, we had men speak from their hearts and touch people in a way the I’d never experienced before. So, I want to acknowledge you for that. It was brilliant. So yeah, a little bit about me. So, my name is Dimple Sacra, and, um, I’ve been coaching now for about 25 years on various things, but the thread throughout all of my coaching has been relationships and it started off with relationships, with food and then went on to relationships with self and now intimate relationships and primarily working with them men.

And the reason I work primarily with men and then the partners and their children and anybody else that relates to them or with them is because. I realized that through most of my life, I’d had an absolute love, hate relationship with men. And I guess it stems from my dad and the abusive household that we grew up in, and then marrying the love of my life.

When I look back all my old childhood wounds that I hadn’t heard field presented in our marriage. And it’s only through healing that and having a huge awakening with an intervention with Tony Robbins, a two-hour intervention that I realized that not all men are out to get me and most of them are actually.

It’s the opposite. They’re put on this earth to protect. And the primary goal is not to attack, but to actually really protect, provide and love on us. And the very thing that I had searched for and desired, like was right in front of my nose. And I hadn’t realized for 20 years right in front of my nose.

And, and I had that breakthrough moment that I was like, like, do you ever have that? Where you, you you’re searching for something constantly searching, searching, searching. And then there’s two things that happen either. You’re fortunate enough that somebody literally stops you in your tracks and goes, wake up and you do right.

Or you lose them. And you realize when it’s too late, right. And the third day, the one that’s coming to mind is all you lose yourself in the service. Right.

Right. And I was very lucky that number one, my man, so in love and invested in our relationship that he was paired to go the whole way, whatever it takes a number two, but I was gifted that way and then have the whereabouts to actually follow my intuition and invest in a huge amount of investment that I didn’t have the funds for because my instinct said yes.

Right. And then to actually. Have the courage to wake up. So, I’ve gone from a man hater to somebody who absolutely is driven. My mission is to support men so that we can have incredible role models for our children. That’s selfishly it’s for our kids and it’s for the women in the world. If they can have incredible men that will be from and hold and safely, then I firmly believe the world will be a better place.

So that’s, that’s the reason, that’s my mission. That’s what I do. I support super successful executives, entrepreneurs who are successful in business, and I support them to become equally if not more successful in long lines. So that’s okay.

TG: Wow. That’s beautiful. It is. So that Tony Robbins, that was him.

Saying, wake up to you. That’s what happened. Yeah, yeah,

DT: yeah, yeah. And that was, um, yeah, I can speak to that. So, I w been married to the love of my life being with him now 31 years. And it was around about year 10 of our marriage things. Weren’t good. And it was a time when we’d had the children and, and he was basically serial entrepreneur was in the life cycle of the night where he was going out and basically figuring out who he was and what, how he was going to provide for these males to feed these masses.

We’ve just had our first daughter and, and I was pregnant with our second. And so. He was frantically trying to provide. I was the main breadwinner, and he was building his business and readjust the shit. If then the masculine and the feminine energy meant that we would be polarizing each other. He was remaining in his masculine, and I was remaining again.

I was rising in my masculine and so we fought like cats and dog, and it continued until he surrendered and dropped into his, an authentic, feminine, and I remained, remain authentic masculine. And we just, I did that. We loved each other, but it wasn’t enough. I’m on our 20th wedding anniversary. We planned a divorce for our 25th, like literally a divorce.

Yeah. Like, cause at this point he was sucks out. Like the tables attend. He was earning more than me. I’d gone into part-time work and developing my business on the side. And we just were exhausted. You know, the two of us were just sick of fighting. So, we’d got to that place of silence and pass the salt and functional sex.

And, you know, we were like, right, okay, well, this is a bit like a business strategy. We would, we were planning the exit, all the finances of everything, and the kids would be old enough and the usual story, right. Waiting until your kids get old enough to understand. And the truth is they don’t always understood that the energy and the vibe wasn’t right.

And, um, by some divine intervention, I got introduced Tony Robbins from a business coach because I’ve just literally left my security blankets of a job and gone full time into my business, my coaching business. And because I’d run both parallel for a long time. And this business coach said, you heard of this guy, Tony Robbins cause in England is not as popular as in the U S especially at that time.

And, um, I said, no, and I checked him out on YouTube, and I thought, oh, this is an interesting guy. And then, he, obviously divine timing was, was in London. So, I bought the book the best ticket in the house because my business, even then, although it was six months old was doing really well. And literally that evening, I signed up for something called platinum partners and platinum partners.

For those, you know, those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an elite group of people that travel the world with Tony for 12 months, going to every single one of his events, plus three extra events that he puts on. And. Like I had never traveled on my own at this point, Tom, like this was the first time I’d ever traveled on my own because I’d always had the children with me and my husband and like seriously, my sense of direction.

Like if we go to a restaurant and I go to the bathroom, if I’m not back in five minutes, he sends one of the girls in to come get me. Because if there’s too many doors in the restroom, which usually in a ladies restroom in the race, I get lost. I can’t actually get myself because I just the sense of direction.

Right. So, imagine right. I’ve gone to bloomed in, which is four hours away from where I live by myself. Don’t know anybody at this event. Um, I ended up signing this thing. I ring my husband at midnight and say, I’ve done something crazy, please. Don’t please. Don’t. Now he doesn’t show it. It’s just my perception at that time.

Right. It’s a knowing, looking back now, his tonality, I had associated with the tonality of my father growing up and that put the fear of God in me because it was dangerous, that tone. And so that whole tonality piece, right? So, he doesn’t show, but that was my perception. Anyway, I said to him, I’ve done something crazy, please don’t shout at me.

And he said to me, listen, I’ve been traveling the world. Can you just, just say it, just say it, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it. Just say it. And so, I vomited out I’ve joined something called platinum partners. And at that time is 75,000 us dollars. Vomited out. Right. And I just started like six months into my brand-new business.

Yes. It was doing really well really well, but could I afford that? Not really. And this is what this beautiful man said to me, despite knowing that we were separating that like, you know, he’s losing me. I actually had with hindsight thing, you know, he probably thought I was about to say I’ve had an affair.

Right. But actually, what he said to me was do you know, something back 20 odd years ago, you took a job so that I could follow my desire and my purpose and build a business. And he said, the way I see this now, this is just an investment in you and your business. And we we’ll find a way

and I just saw, wow, that’s unconditional love. And we did, we found a way. And the reason I wanted to be a platinum partner was because there was an event call relationship in Maui for platinum yeah. Patterns. And it was this event. That was the event that I have the heat just awakening of my life. And it was a, basically a two-hour event where Tony Robbins just completely told me to pieces.

He broke me down the people in the event that and partners, platinum partners for 15 years have said, they’ve never seen Tony such with such intensity. And two hours later with me on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness, because I actually took my husband there because he needed fixing. Right.

Cause he did tell him I’m the coach I’m perf I know it all right. He needed fixing.

TG: Yeah. Well, you know what that comment reminds me of is being in a position to help people for a long time myself, it hit me the other night, you know, I was reaching out to some people for support, and you know, there’s an area of my life where I’ve been struggling and, and it hit me, man. I really do not lie.

Being the guy who needs help. I’m used to being the one that has it together, calm and cool. And I’m, you know, I’m sharing my experience, but you know, I’m still speaking from an I’m the one who’s okay. Place. And it it can be really uncomfortable when that’s what you’re used to, to all of a sudden be the one who the tables are turned it’s, it’s, uh, like a next level of vulnerability type of thing.

That’s yeah.

DT: It’s so profound. What you’re saying, tell them, because you know, when the ego’s involved, it’s easier to be it’s more comfortable to be the teacher and the coach. But actually, when you flick the switch and this is what happened with me, like I coach men and I learn, so I’m always the teacher and the student always.

I, I come from that place of, like I said to you earlier, before we started this conversation, you know, I’m only one step ahead in this area. And sometimes I’m not even that one step ahead, sometimes I’m so open to learning from you. Like the room that you met me in, I was moderating, and I was the in inverted commas, the expert in the room and that whole room, I was making notes because I was learning from all the men.

I was learning about that language, that tonality the words they use. And I then spend an hour after that room, reflecting on what I learned. So always the teacher and the student at the same time. Um, and that way, when that, because the egos are just the way, because you get to grow, because I hear what you’re saying is so uncomfortable, it’s comfortable.

Right. And I welcome that uncomfortableness because like that intervention I remember was the second day and Tony had done a 10-hour day. He was sat at the back of the room and there was this a speaker on the screen.  and she’s an incredible relationship guru. And I commented on. To her, it was live. She was on Skype.

And you know, when you’re in a room and you realize that you’ve set the wrong thing, right. Suddenly all the energy in the room just drops. Like the vibe just gets really heavy. And I sat down, and I remember Tony’s, I felt his energy at the back of the room. He was in the, you know, the, they have like a little pets where they have all the audio sounds.

And the, he was sat there with, with Sage watching from the screen. And I remember feeling his energy. He got up and he I’m at the front desk. Um, room 500 people in the room. My husband sat elsewhere because we’ve had a fight because he’s wrong and I’m right. And so, all day we’ve had a fight. Wouldn’t let him sit anywhere near me.

This is the first time he’s ever been to a Tony Robbins event. Didn’t know anybody. I was the bitch from hell, and they didn’t sit with people. He didn’t know. I sat at the front full of significance with my platinum partner friends. Um, Tony’s coming down the aisle and it’s literally like fee, fi, fo, fum, right.

This giant is coming towards me. And as he’s coming down the aisle, he bellows, where is Dimples? Right. My heart is pounding all that has on the back of my neck stand up and I stand up. It’s like slow Mo almost. I stand up really slowly. And as he comes towards me, all I feel is this six-foot seven giants with a horse head towering over my five-foot, two frame.

Um, he leaves Kelly lays into me. He is matching my energy. That’s basically what he’s doing. And I have to say in this whole time, there was not one moment where I felt scared. I felt completely held by his integrity. So, you know, I, I felt the pureness of what he was doing and basically that he was showing me.

In a physical manifestation of how powerful and strong I was wearing that masculine mask. Right. He wouldn’t, he, he was, he had the power in his mature manner to rise to my masculine. Right. So, he was basically, and honestly, I didn’t cry the women in the room. Like how did you not cry? He’s screaming at you because I was so used to protecting myself with that masculine mask.

So used to it and, and here was another drop the mate kind of moment as he started to shout at me and really be intense with me. I hadn’t noticed that from out of nowhere, my beautiful man was coming down a different aisle with his chest. I kept making himself look as big as he possibly can with such a fierce look on his face.

And he was coming straight down that aisle. I like it took the Tony Robbins to stop what he was doing with me, turn around. He walked, he noticed that all coming down and he said, is this the brother you’re talking about? Not forgiving because my comment was all about not forgiving. Right? Cause it was one point for me.

See, even the expert says, I don’t have to forgive. Right. My comment was about that. And he said, is this the guy you’re talking about? Not forgiving. He said, I’ve seen more courage in him than you’ve ever displayed in your lifetime. And he said, he’s coming down this aisle to protect you against me. Cause basically I told was coming down to take Tony down and he says, nobody speaks to my woman like that.

Now, buddy. And he put his arm around Tony, put his arm around the total and he said, I effing love you, brother. I effing love you for the courage and the strength. Thank you for being that kind of map. Right. And then the drop the mic moment, Tom. It makes me cry even now is that I didn’t know this. And if I didn’t know to some not day.

The very thing that I desire was to feel safe and protected by him. What if he’s always been doing it? And I hadn’t noticed, right. He’s always been doing good and I haven’t no test. And that made me realize, what are we always blind to in our relationships? What are we choosing not to see? And yet it’s right there in front of us.

And so, the intervention went home for another two hours. At one point, Tony asked me to get down on my hands and knees and from to 500 people, I’m begging for forgiveness because I, you know, I date masculine. Not knowing, but a hat and he had allowed it to happen

TG: because he loved you.

DT: Yeah, because he locked me because he thought, because he hadn’t done the work yet, but that was what would make me happy because the other pieces I hadn’t realized.

And when I heard this in this room, there were so many other women that was shocked with this. And there were so many men that were shocked that the women didn’t know this. Tony asked, what do you think is the primary driver for men in their relationship? And I was like, well, it says, all it cares about is sex.

That’s all he wants. And actually, Tony said, it’s actually to make you happy. He feels successful when you’re happy. It’s not his responsibility to make you happy. There’s a clear distinction there. But when he sees you happy, he feels successful. And that for me was

right. Like what the F are you talking about? So that was the, that was the moment that, that, that was my awakening. That was the flick, the switch. That was the, all this time. Everything he’s doing is not to try and get into my knickers, but is because he wants me to be happy. And of course, sex is a huge part of our relationship, and it should be, but it, the primary driver is for him to make me happy.

Like seriously, if we were as women to invest as much effort and energy and time as you guys do. Making you have pay, like we physically couldn’t do it.

And that’s the T the capacity, the energy, the focus, the drive that you guys display blows my freaking mind every day.

That was the moment when I realized it, because the other piece is when I got down on my hands and knees and he was above me, he held my hand and he said, I can’t stand above you. And he got down on his hands and knees, I may look to me eye to eye. And he said, I’m not above you or beneath you. He says, where did he call?

And when we work, as Wong were incredible. And he actually said to me, my beautiful man said to me, I am so sorry that I’ve allowed this to happen. That I’ve got you to this place that you felt so unsafe and so unprotected. And he said, that’s my fault as well. And he said, I’ll never ever let that happen to you again.

Right? Huge. When you take accountability, when you take self-responsibility for your own actions and therefore they impact on the feedback you get from your partner.

TG: I just, you know, as I’m listening to you, I keep thinking, man, what a great story. And then it gets better and better, better, and better and better. And. Part of what I take away from this is that’s the kind of man I want in my life,

the, the humility to, uh, accept responsibility. But this, this kind of speaks to something I’ve thought about a number of times throughout this conversation already. When, when we really are real, when we talk about the things that we’re most ashamed of and we fear most, and we tell ourselves that the people we tell these things will reject us or shun us or whatever, what actually happens is that.

In my experience, we’re almost invariably met with love because that honesty, when I’m honest with you about what hurts me or what I’m struggling with, you feel that you feel it and it, it humanizes me to you. Right. And that, that exchanging emotion that way. That’s what intimacy is. And just to, um, have you experienced that on full display?

So, he robbed seminar. Wow. For first of all, for him to walk up there. Yeah. Well, the way he did, yeah. And then that moment of, of, uh, of getting down to your level or just it’s, he’s obviously an amazing man. And, you know, I shouldn’t be surprised based on how I described you at the top of this. I mean, it only makes sense.

Yeah,

DT: no receives that fully. And he is. And you know, when you say that, um, the sadness that occurs in my heart is that I didn’t fully embrace it for the nearly two decades. And I’m very grateful that there’s never going to be another two decades when I miss it. Right. We just, we literally last year we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

We celebrated it as opposed to getting divorced. Right. Um, And the movie continues, and the journey continues. And, you know, I loved what you said about, you know, the fear of speaking are true. So, what others might say and judge, and actually the truth is that often it connects us as humans. You’ve been more right through love because for a long time, I didn’t speak the story because I was scared that women would judge me on, you know, surrendering and getting on my hands and knees and asking for forgiveness in front of a man.

And, um, you know, letting the side down of the women. Right. And the truth is the number of women that have gone. Oh my God, I’ve been doing this thinking that this is what I need to do to protect myself. Cause it was interesting. The moment that mask of mine, the masculine mask, and I’m talking a energetic metaphoric mask was lifted.

Something interesting happened because for 15 years I’d had severe neck pain and I’ve had all sorts of chiropractor, um, physio, acupuncture, everything, and it wouldn’t go. And the moment that I released an objectively that heavy I am mask that I had put on to what I thought was to protect me from the outside of being unsafe.

The truth is that what I’d done was I built a wall up to stop me from receiving not only his love, but my own love. So, the moment that lifted, there was something interesting that really happened. My neck pain went completely went, so our energetic, emotional, um, being manifest in our physical bodies. And the other piece that happened was my heart opened wide open and in readiness to receive, because what I hadn’t appreciated is the feminine is all about receiving.

It’s not about giving things like, and the masculine is about giving. Think about the, like the physical anatomy of a man and a woman, right? When we have intercourse, he goes into the woman she receives from him. Right. She replenishes her energy through that.

Right. And the whole time along and I’m married. Beautiful man. All he wanted to do was give, and because I put a wall, all I was, I’m sick of giving. I’m sick of making all the decisions. I’m tired of doing everything. The words here, the words doing giving these are all masculine traits.

The fare women have is surrendering.

And that’s the very thing that when we do surrender through choice, not because we’re made to that’s the power right there.

TG: Well, and this brings to mind. Boy you’re describing the receiving and the, the relation to the anatomical functions. It just reminds me this masculine energy, feminine energy. It’s all very primal and it’s not, we, we have not, um, evolved beyond that.

It’s probably more important than ever. And you know, I’ve talked about how the change that I’ve experienced in this part of my life is, uh, it happened through the process of the divorce. It began there. And one of the things this reminds me of, I wish I could give a visual of this, but I’m going to try to describe.

So, it, we got to a point where, well, you know, we’ve been talking about this for so long. I made a decision, you know, after finding some support, um, this is like August. I went to her and said, listen, we need to take the rest of the year and devote everything we have into saving this marriage. And we need to start by getting a new therapist because she’s a therapist.

I work in the helping profession as a counselor, we know all these people. And so, I said, you know, I don’t care who it is as long as neither of us know him or her. So, you decide, and whoever you want, I’ll go there. And she found a guy and we had been to several people. Over the course of the number of years, but this guy got through to me about the masculinity stuff.

And what he began to do is watch the interactions between us. And he would hear me when I would respond to her, and he would take his index finger and look at me. And when I was in the feminine, you know, his erect index finger would curl down. And when I was in the masculine, it would stand up straight.

And, in guys, I’m very visual that way, you know, but I could see it and feel it, then what’s happening when I’m, when I’m, well, I guess we can do this or whatever, finger curls down. And when it was, I’m going to take care of this, I’m going to do you know, the finger stands straight up and, oh, and again, the.

It’s, it’s a really great analogy of what kind of energy we need to bring as men to a relationship and with the way we are in culture now and feminism. And I think there’s a, a misguided belief that that is no longer operative, that sort of dynamic, but it is, it is. And what I’ve learned is that

I think there’s nothing a woman hates more than a weak man. Oh my God, it’s true. They don’t know it. And, and, and women, even the strongest of women are starved for the man to stand up and be strong and be himself. And it’s not.

It’s like I’ve learned in some romantic situations where it’s almost like when a woman has been, I wouldn’t say mistreated me, but a little careless with, with me about returning calls or whatever. It’s almost like she’s throwing out some bait there for me to say, you know what? This is bullshit. I’m not putting up with this.

And if I don’t or in the past, I would never have done something like that. And I wouldn’t have her respect. And what I’ve learned is that that’s, I’m giving her the message that I can’t protect her that’s right. But if I say, listen,

Yeah, we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to get up. It’s okay. But if we’re going to do this, then, you know, I expect you to return my phone calls. This is my standard. Right, right. And if you don’t have that, then why would she want you?

DT: Yeah. It’s honestly tell you it’s so like particularly powerful women desire that even more.

Right. Let me say that again. So that is for the guys, particularly powerful women. Desire that even more and the protection and the providing, particularly providing often in this decade, it’s men have misunderstood that as providing financially, um, with women being able to provide financially for themselves and sometimes even more, um, lucratively than men can.

And that in this, in, in certain scenarios, what men have missed, and this is the, the piece that had missed the value of providing emotional, um, protection is far more lucrative for a woman. Um, more impactful for a woman than providing financial protection. Hmm. That makes sense.

TG: Absolutely. It makes, yeah, it does.

Yeah.

DT: When I say it makes sense, did that, did I explain it? I know. Yeah. Yeah. It’s providing, isn’t just about providing money. So, a lot of men get feel, um, a lack of confidence, a lack of self-worth. If they’re women provide more income in terms of money than they do. Right. And the truth is that kind of woman is not necessarily interested in your money.

She’s interested in whether when push comes to shove and Tony Robbins is attacking an inverted commas, attacking his woman. Is he going to come and save her from the saber tooth tiger? Right. Yeah. And often the attack that’s occurring in a woman. The saber tooth tiger is not anybody else, but the fight within her.

TG: Right.

DT: It’s, it’s the fight within a cause often in the past miles like points wrong. Nobody’s upset you what, what what’s going on? Like what, what just happened? You were happy a minute ago to stop. And, and now I’m able to say to him, babe, it’s the demons in my head. It’s the demons in my stories from the past that it’s triggered that tone that you just used with me, it is.

I know it’s not your intention to trigger this. It’s all I take full responsibility, but it’s triggered when my, when my dad was beating my mom and as a small child, that’s not safe. Right. And once I was able to articulate that he was able to say to me, oh my God, did you, you think that this tone men was about to attack you?

He said, this tone that I use is passionate. I’m passionate about what I’m saying. And just having that open conversation shifted it huge because I was unable to reframe it. So, when he used that I was able to go, oh, is passionate about this knot is about to attack me because I was able to heal that in an instant.

And he was also able to be aware that if I’m reacting, because I didn’t catch it, he knew to protect me. He knew to just hold me. He knew to be that safe container for the crazy lady in that moment. Right. Cause the fight was within me. The dragon that he needed to slay was in within me.

TG: Wow man Dimple. So, I want to respond to, but the first thing I want to go back to, you mentioned that.

He the most powerful women want this most from us, from men to show up in our strength. And you know, you’ve heard me use this expression that I’ve kind of come up with about how we as men emasculate ourselves. And the thing about that, about that powerful woman needing you to show up in your strength, a man can’t do that unless he’s got his shit together.

Yes,

DT: that’s right.

TG: And so that if you don’t, then it brings up the insecurity in you, man, and you shrink from it and go to someone who, you know, will accept you the way you are. Yeah. And then doing so if I do that, I’m selling myself. I’m accepting less than I want. I’m not believing in myself that I have the ability.

I mean, I’m essentially the internal experience that I have if that’s what I’m doing is on the coward. And, uh, and you know, we have to respect ourselves first in these situations. If we can’t do that, then how can we expect a partner to respect us? So, then another thing I want to go back to, you talked about you forgiving in that scenario with Tony Robbins, you forgiving.

And one of the sort of lessons spiritually that I’ve learned over the last couple of years is when it comes to my anger or my need to forgive. The stuff that I have when I think when I think I’m angry at you, what’s really going on is I’m angry with me. And when I think I need to forgive you, what I really need to do is forgive myself.

So when, what moment, when you know, you are forgiving in that Tony Robins scenario, at what moment? Where did you forgiving yourself? Come in.

DT: Yeah. Great question. Um, and it’s so interesting, cause I didn’t have the awareness and the understanding of the power of forgiveness at that point. Right. And this interesting you picked up on it.

This was the piece that, um, I was featured on Tony Robbins, his podcast. It was all about forgiveness. Um, When I was being asked to ask our tool for forgiveness, it wasn’t. At that point, at that point, it was focused. I was focused on forgiving on asking for forgiveness of him. And then after we’d done that, Tony actually did a piece on for me on forgiving myself.

Right. And it was in that moment that I released and it was, and actually that’s when the work started on the forgiveness, it’s been a journey. I literally every day have a practice of letting go and forgiveness and acceptance every day, every day. Because something that you touched on, which is really profound respect, how can you expect somebody else to respect to, if you don’t.

Respect yourself. And this is something that I really believe that you can’t expect anybody else. Well, to be the source of anything for you, it can’t be the source of love. They can’t be the source of respect. Cause if you, at the moment you go outside of yourself for any of those, um, validation, you set yourself up to fail because it’s never going to be how you desire it or need it.

This is a huge piece for men, right? Respect, honor, humility. Right. And something actually, that was an interview with Tony. Uh, with coach Guthrie is, uh, a rugby champion. And now a coach. Um, I asked him a question, actually, it was in club person. They asked him what were the three values that he. Um, speak to his former self, right.

To younger self. And, and, and what are those values that he would culture, the men, younger men. And these were the three values, humility honor, and respect, but you can’t have any of those from an expect them from others, unless you honor them in yourself. Right. The same would love the same with forgiveness.

Um, I actually wrote a whole article on this. So check that out because it was so profound. Some of the things that I love listening to men, you get so many gems because the one difference between the communication between men and women, is that men speak literally.

TG: Yes, yes, yes.

DT: You use a quarter of the words that we do to get the same message across.

And it’s a double edge sword because, because you speak literally you expect us to be literal

and you take what we say is literal. Well,

TG: this came up in the room yesterday, about how, uh, you know, you told your husband, he didn’t want him to bring you flowers anymore. When that’s indirectly, you were letting him know how much you appreciate. Yeah. Just expected him to pick up on that. And, uh, and you know, this is, this is actually one of the beautiful differences between men and women.

If we can just recognize it and embrace it. But what often happens is that instead we become cynical and, uh, women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

DT: It fascinates me and women do the same. Well, gosh, it makes me cringe because I used to actually say it. I used to say I’ve got three children.

TG: Did, did you say that in his presence? Did he say that? Yes.

DT: Yes. And this is now why I do this work because I frigging lived the mistakes. I’ve witnessed the pain. And thankfully, he’s a very strong man and he’s done the work as a result. Right. But there’s always healing to be done always. And, and you know, the piece on giving and taking and giving and receiving, should I say giving and receiving, right.

It doesn’t mean to say that women should always receive, and men should always give it’s a beautiful dance between the two, right? This morning, I needed a cuddle and I asked, I didn’t assume that he would know, because that in the past has been the issue. Women think men are mind readers because women are,

so, I ask now I need a cuddle and I need it like this. And he’s like, okay. And he gives me a cuddle and I, yeah. And I received it fully. I didn’t complain that it wasn’t quite right. Already. I

TG: just, so kind of women, you know, in that, in that situation would be angry because they had to ask. Yes. And I was like, you’re supposed to read my mind.

Your this’ll never work because you don’t know. You should know. Which is ridiculous.

DT: Yeah. The number of times, Tom, that I’ve said, we have been together decades and you don’t know me at all, what is wrong with you? I know you; I know exactly what you need.

TG: Right. You’re not telling me

DT: you don’t love me because you don’t know how to cuddle me and when I need it.

TG: Yeah. Well, that goes back to just the internal struggle that that’s, that’s just a story we’re making up their minds.

DT: It’s a total story, but it’s real guys, men, this is real. It really does happen for us women. It really happens. And just listening to this open conversation, I’m hoping that you can, as a couple, start to articulate your internal dialogue to each other, because just that conversation will open it up for you will heal.

Right? So now me asking him, I need a cuddle and he gave me that I received it fully. I was full. And then what happened? He lay on my, yes. Right? I didn’t need him to ask me for that. Cause I could tell what he needed. I needed to give to him, and he needed to receive and feel safe. Right. And that’s the beauty of the given the, the receiving giving and receiving it’s like an infinitive sign.

Yeah.

TG: Yeah. So, I want to go back. You talked about how in our relationships, these old wounds surface and isn’t that always the case. And for me, you know, I have a 15-year-old son, so I mean, ultimate teacher,

every single button that exists within the, I mean, he was built to push and so many people are reactive to that. Just the way you’re talking about being reactive in a, in a marriage when the same thing happens, you know, I mean, we’re there to heal each other. That’s what love is

DT: it heals?

TG: But talk about that.

She talked a little bit about your dad and talk about how that those issues began coming for you and your marriage. And, and at what point did you begin to see that this is me healing something from long ago.

DT: Yeah. Great, great, great question. And, you know, I wanted to just add, tell him that when you said that, you know, your, your son knows exactly, you know, how to push him, what’s pushed.

And I, what came to mind when you said that. How blessed are you, how blessed? And some people will say, what are you talking about now? How blessed are you? Because that gives you every single opportunity to grow and expand at the deepest level. When it’s your own child, you will do what it takes. Right?

Right. To expand because we have two girls in the, um, we have a 16-year-old, she’s our youngest. And oh my gosh, this child I firmly believe is my teacher. She was sent to teach me; I am her pupil. Right. Because she like blows our minds with some of the things that she says. And the, like she came home one day from school, at age 15 and said, right, I’m done with school and presented it.

With the options of how she was going to be schooled the costs and how she was going to pay for the private tutor, all the online school. And really all she was asking girls was consulting with us like a business proposition, right. Consulting with us on what would be the best option, not how we’re going to fund it.

He was funding it herself with her own business. Right? So, this, this just goes to show that our children are our greatest teachers. So, sorry. I sidetracked. So, what was the question again, Tom, please just refresh my memory.

TG: Firstly, I’m going to comment on what you just said. So, for me, one of the key things is what would come up for me pretty constantly until I picked up on it.

He would ask to go somewhere, or he would ask for something. And in my mind, I’d say, well, you need to answer it this way because your mom or dad would have answered it that way. Don’t want to be like, and not even, not even conscious, it just happened. And in, you know, working with a therapist in describing this one day, she said to me, you know, not being them, isn’t the same thing as you being you.

And that was wow. So many of us as parents do that. Um, but my question was at what point in, in this growth, as it pertains to your marriage, did you make the connection between your childhood wounds with your father and healing them with your husband?

DT: Great question. It was the moment I forgave my father.

It was the moment I energetically I did a lot. So, I’m also a theater healer. So, I do a lot of spiritual energetic work. And I actually did the internal work on energetically, releasing my father and forgiving him and forgiving myself for the blame that I’d put on myself for not protecting my mother.

And in that moment, when that veil lifted, I had so much clarity on the man that I’d married. And it just so happens that this particular man, my beautiful man that I married has been there all my life. And he has been there when he’s physically protected. My mum. Right. So not only do I have evidence in my own life where he’s always protected, but I have evidence of where he’s protected.

My mom, quite literally.

TG: Hmm.

DT: Right. So it was, it was literally the moment that I released. And so, we talked about forgiveness. This is the power of forgiveness. It didn’t, it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten what that did. And also, I realized that he was a product of his upbringing. Okay.

That was just the way it was in the Indian culture. And his mom was a very strong woman who he didn’t have the insight or the maturity to stand up for himself. Let alone mine. Yeah.

My grandma was a powerhouse, but not in a healthy way. And she, she influenced and actually my mom, because when I look back now, my mom was a paranoid schizophrenia, so she was diagnosed. But the truth is, I believe she was so spiritually connected that she lived on different planes to keep herself safe.

TG: Man, I love talking to you.

DT: I looked all I can do here as well. There’s so much you bring out. So, um, I’m responsive. So, if I’m activated by somebody incredible like yourself, then like stuff just comes out. Right.

TG: Well, you know, this is a part of myself that, you know, I can be so, um, unaware of, and part of it is that I never want to be presumptuous.

About myself,

DT: but

TG: you know, I’m, I’m the guy. I haven’t had a drink in almost 25 years. That’s where my healing journey began when I stopped drinking at 23. And now, you know, where there I was the guy at the party who was passing out on your couch or, you know, falling all over, whatever. Now I’m the guy who is often the coroner with whoever in the room is in the midst of an existential crisis.

They just find me and they’re talking to me about their wounds. You know, it just happens. It just happens. And, uh, and as it pertains to this podcast, you know, in this position for years where I’ve been working with families and people around addiction and, you know, intervening and doing something about it and, and being the person, they come to for help.

And, you know, I, I have this, I think I started to notice it maybe 15 years ago, people used to say to me, you know, you’re really calm. You just have this calming presence. And, uh, yeah. I just, people talk to me, people tell me stuff, they feel safe talking to me about what’s going on with them. And I guess, no, they won’t be judged.

And, and then when I start doing this podcast, I mean, it’s just, it feels exactly the way it feels when I’m sitting down with someone who’s struggling and comes to me. It just feels the same way and it’s, uh, you know, it, it, we need all of it, you know, we need all these life experiences. And when you talked about how you went through that 20 years, that you would, you know, never want to go through again, but I bet you also realized that you needed to experience that, to be able to experience what you’re in now, as fully as you are.

DT: Yeah, 100 and a trillion percent. I would never turn back the clock because I believe that my soul resides in this body and chose those parents and chose this life to learn these lessons and then to pass them on. I like my human design is very much that, and it’s very much around, you know, if you don’t know what human design is, please Google it.

It’s incredible. Um, but my human design is very much, I have to have gone through it in order to teach it. So, my first book is called your food freedom and that, so, uh, all about a beautiful relationship with food. And the reason I did that was because I was anorexic as a child, and I nearly lost my life to anorexia.

Like there was a point where if I had a choice, I either go down the road of self-destruct and press that button. I was half the body weight that I am now. I was all I’d stunted my growth. My organs were shutting everything and, or I go down the path of finding the truth about nutrition. And I chose that because there was a voice inside of me.

I remember the days distinctively; I was 13 years old. I was at the doctor’s surgery. I remember the day and he said, you have to eat them. And I remember there was a voice inside of me that said, now is not your time to go. You have more to do. Right. So, I healed myself through that help to the people with it developed a model, wrote the book.

The next thing I did was about spiritual awakening. That’s my second book. This third book I’m writing is all about how men can get the roadmap to their purpose. Right. Except lived through it with a man.

TG: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and you’re walking other men through it.

DT: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So. You, you know, tell me you were so good at extracting the key elements of somebody’s soul.

So good at hearing the unspoken word. It’s just magnificent your scale on that is just incredible. You fine tune that. I can sense that it’s, it’s something that you’ve literally like a beautiful piano. You fine-tuned it. Right. Can you pick up those notes? Beautiful. Thank you.

TG: Well, thank you for saying that and if I have fine-tuned it, I did it unknowingly.

I must have I suppose, but, um, yeah,

DT: all the nuances and that’s why I’m feeding it back to you, you know, just like I write right. And raise your awareness of it that you, you do, you, uh, and to raise your consciousness of it, that you, actually you’re really good at picking up the, the unspoken word. Really good at it.

TG: Yeah. Thank you. You’re welcome. So, one of the things I want to touch on here is, you know, from the beginning, I talked to you about how, you know, just witnessing the love that you radiate. And

I’m trying to think of where exactly it came up, where I wanted to bring this into the conversation, but one of the realizations that I have come to over the last few years, and, um, I’m just interested in what you have to say about that.

The love he we’re talking about, if, whenever we’re we go outward for something we need that, you know, we already have it. I think about, you know, one person comes to mind in particular how much I loved her, and you know, the power of that, you know, um, that kind of love it. It gives us energy and per I mean, it’s, it’s such a force, but to come to the conclusion, finally, that that person didn’t give that to me.

It was already, there was already sick. We already have it. Yeah. We already have it. And, and the people that we love, it’s just like it it’s, it’s where we want to channel it. But that’s not the only place to channel it. And it’s not, probably not even the most important place to channel it is to ourselves.

And then if we do that, then we have Dimple who you look in her eyes, and it’s just a beacon drawing people in with our love, you know, that’s, that’s, uh, it just expands, right.

DT: Oh, thank you, Tom. I honestly, we, saving that and this is something else that I’ve learned to receive to actually say, thank you, I’m receiving that fully because you know, when somebody gives you a gift and you say, oh no, no, no, don’t sit there.

It’s not me. It’s just, you know, everybody’s like that. Right? Like what does it feel like when somebody gives you a gift and they knock it back?

TG: Well, in this reminds me of, I don’t know if you’ve read any Thomas Murray. Well, he was, uh, a Trappist monk, you know, a Catholic priest who studied in the east a lot.

So, he kind of weaved together, a lot of Eastern thought with Catholicism and Christianity. And he wrote a book called no, man is an island. And in the very beginning of it, one of the things he talks about is how love has it when it’s received and accepted it grows, but we say, oh no, you know, can’t receive a compliment lab.

No, I don’t. I just did the error instead of saying, thank you. And I fully receive it when you do that, it gets bigger. It gets bigger. But when you push it away, it, you know, and it’s. Something I’ve experienced a lot and familial relationships where man, all I wanted to do was love my older brother and he just blocked it and blocked it and blocked it.

And it hurts so much. And it wasn’t even that he wasn’t giving love back that her what her is that he wouldn’t accept the love that I was giving him.

DT: Yeah. Cause he didn’t know how he probably didn’t even realize he was doing that. He just, you know, men, this is a big thing for men accepting compliments, you know, fully accepting them.

And without, you know, often the, like the, they won’t even acknowledge them, nevermind the brush past them.

TG: Right. And then they didn’t even

DT: happen. Yeah. Pretend that didn’t even happen. And yeah, I loved what you said about receiving love because I firmly believe in the, and I use this analogy a lot, but. You know, also we give love from a place of depletion.

So, we’re giving it from our reserves. You know, if you think about like, uh, a fuel tank, like if, if it’s on half and you’re giving fuel out from there, then that vehicle is going to get depleted eventually. Whereas if you filled your love time, co-ops soulful from the abundance of love. That’s in the universe.

That is just there. If you believe that love is all around us, and it’s just there waiting for you to absorb it and receive it, just waiting right. That when you fill your love tank up so full, and then you give from the overflow of that tank, you don’t feel resentment. You feel. Energized. Right. Right.

Cause it’s the surplus. And in doing that, the only way you can get surplus love and fill your tank up is to receive it. You have to receive it in order to give it as simple as that. And when I it’s interesting, you, you know, you talk about the love in my eyes. This was the piece when I learned this, when I learned that I had to receive first, cause my desire to give was so big that I ended up feeling depleted resentful and, and my physical body, right.

When I

TG: lean in the neck,

DT: that pain in literally the payment, the moment I learned to receive, and this was something Tony mentioned in the intervention. The only reason I’m spending two hours with you this amount of time with us. He said, because Bo you’re beautiful, man. And I can see the love in your heart that you come here.

TG: Wow. To have Tony Robbins say that to you. Well, it just speaks to me what a powerful force that you are to have someone of his stature, um, and ability to look at you and say that it had to be so validating for you and empowering for you to hear that from him. Right?

DT: Huge. I mean, to the point where all this detail, I mean, this intervention, I think was now three, four years ago.

And I remember it like it was yesterday, like huge when he said that it gave me permission to look at me. It gave me permission to actually go, huh? Does he actually see that? Like, I felt it for a long time, but I was too scared. What if people judge me? What if people really see the truth? What if people think particularly strong executives?

What if they think that I’m a bit of a worse because I lead with love.

TG: Right.

DT: And the truth of the matter is every single human being on this planet wants love

TG: desires. There’s not a more powerful force. Yes. It’s definitely. This is, this comes up for me when, in relation to kindness, when in America, you know, there’s this assumption that if we do good, if we help the poor or you know, that, you know, we’re well, you know, they should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

And well, what about kindness? Right? What about that? When, you know, if, if to be kind, it, it, it actually like he was kind to you and that moment reflecting your love back to you. Um, it empowered you and that’s what it does. And it it’s, it’s that love it’s, it’s giving love. Um, which for me, I just reached a conclusion a few years ago that.

No. I live in a place where I live in south Florida. I grew up in the Midwest and I don’t know how much time you spent in the states, but the Midwest, I mean, people are friendly and reliable and, um, it’s just a different vibe and where I live now, there are a lot of people who come from other places and there’s not as much of a feel of community.

And you go through life. There’s not a lot of eye contact. There’s not a lot of hello, how are you. I mean, I live in a high rise where, you know, the first couple of years I was here, I mean, people, you know, never say hello, just end up in the same people practically with the elevator every day and, and just hit me, you know, I don’t want to live like.

I’m not going to do that. Um, so I don’t give a shit whether they say hello or not, I’m saying hello. And if I have an opportunity to help someone I’m going to do it. And, and then that just the whole life experience shift that takes place. When you decide that it’s just a whole world of difference. Oh,

DT: yeah.

And it all stems from deciding that this is your standard. You don’t have to have the same standard as everybody else. I remember doing an experiment actually in London on the tube. And I said, I said, I woke up that day and I’m not from London. And I’m like from the north of England, Manchester, where we all say hello, and it’s very friendly.

You go to London and like, nobody makes eye contact because they’re too scared of what they might think if I’m a weirdo or whatever. Right. And I, I decided that day and both my sisters are from London, and they couldn’t believe I did this because they’re like only you would do this tempo. I decided that day, this was before the masks that I was going to spend the day smiling, get as many people as I could possibly smile too.

Right. What a difference that whole day, there was so much kindness. As a result of that, people were helping me with my bags. They were complimenting me saying, you’ve made my day with that smile. Thank you. I had eye contact and unlike people space literally litter, right. And the gift of a smile.

TG: Well, and it begins with the intention of, you know, coming from a place of love rather than fear.

That’s what it is. Right. I mean, man, I could just go on and on like this with you forever. You’re like, you know, I’ll

DT: have to do it again. I would love

TG: that. So yeah. I mean, you’re definitely part of my, my, uh, you’re my people and I’m so glad that we crossed paths and I’m excited about. What we’re going to do together in these rooms.

It’s just so invigorating and exciting to even think about. Um, so looking back, I mean, I know we’ve covered a lot, that there’s so much more, I want to know about you, to be honest. Um, and I just appreciate you welcoming me into your world like this and sharing this with me, taking part in this, but looking back over your life, if there was a time when the younger Dimple most needed a word of encouragement or advice or support, when would that have been and what would you go back and say to her?

DT: Gosh, it would have been when I was 13. It’s a great question. I know exactly when I was 13, it would have been. Trust her. She knows and trust that it’s okay to love her. That’s what I would have said to her. I would have said just trust yourself. It’s okay. You know, trust your instincts and it’s safe to love yourself.

That’s what I would have said to her. And it would have changed everything and also I’m okay. That it, I didn’t have that opportunity too, because I’m the woman I am today, and I have the scars and the wounds and the healing because of it. So, yeah. But trust and love are the two words

TG: I love that this has been great.

I really appreciate you taking the time to do this with me. And, uh, and I just look forward to being in your world.

DT: Well, thank you, Tom. And I am so grateful to have this opportunity to recall this podcast with you today. And I’m excited for the future and how this, you know, if this just touches one person’s life and it, and it says one relationship, then our work here is done, you know?

TG: Yeah. Yeah. That’s all that really matters. And that’s a, that’s a principle that I’ve lived by for, well, in, in these moments, I think when I’m putting myself out there, even if it’s sharing in a room or that’s the conviction I have, it’s not about me. If I can, if something I say helps one person, that’s all.

That’s why we’re here. Right? Well, thank you Dimple.

DT: Thanks Tom.